I’m writing a poem,
I don’t know why.
I should stop this,
Or you’ll think I’m high.
She said, “It’s important to remember that when you’re depressed, you have to nurse yourself and be extra gentle towards yourself. An athlete wouldn’t break an ankle and then force themselves to run with that ankle. They rest as it heals and do not think “I am a failed athlete”. Instead, they think, “Right now something isn’t working right, so I’ll take care of myself until it does.”
Give it time.
Let it heal.
You’re going to be okay.
Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before.
You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived.
Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you.
They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience.
I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again.
This will pass.
I promise it will pass.
I fall in love often.
Not with only a person though.
I fall in love with a view, with a book, with a dog, with the ever-changing colours of the sky, with seasons, with paintings, with people, with complete strangers, with music, with someone’s chatter, with nothing at all.
(Sharing this because it’s beautiful and makes us realize that there is beauty in all the little things we come across)
Result day is near. Everyone, including me, is freaking out and having meltdowns. Oh, such nerve wracking days! Most of my time is spent trying not to think about results, frantically calling friends and ranting when I realise it’s not working and then eventually drowning in my tears.
So here’s my #HappyList that I’ve decided to cross off instead:
- Watch a new series 💻.
- Re-watch another series 💻.
- Watch movies 📺.
- Read lots of books 📚.
- Read a fanfiction 📖.
- Watch anime series 🎌.
- Or Netflix 💻.
- Troll trough memes + Instagram 😂.
- Cat videos 😹.
- Jam to music 🎧.
- Eat good food 🍲.
- Water plants + talk to them 🌿.
- Take long baths 🛀.
- Eat ice-creams 🍦.
- Make people laugh 😂.
- Hold hands while walking👫.
- Go to pet stores 🌍.
- Do photography 📷.
- Drawing + colouring 🎨.
- Rainy days are rare. GET OUTSIDE 🌈.
- Pet dogs 🐕.
- Watch sunsets 🌇.
- Take pictures of nature 🌸.
- Hug Mom ❤.
- Write a story 📝.
- FRIDAY 😂.
- Think positively 🔯.
- Sing along to the radio 📻.
- Talk to my bestfriend who isn’t on speaking terms with me 💔.
- Daydream alot 💭.
- Drink freshly-squeezed lemonade 🍹.
- Share good beer with great friends 🍻.
- Sleep with the windows open on cool nights 🍃.
- Play video games with my idiotic brother 🎮.
Make your own #HappyList or write about the things that make you happy in the comments.
So until my fate is decided, au revoir, prends soin de toi.
You were beautiful. Not in the old-fashioned, high cheekbones, heart-shaped face, slender figure, soft and flowing hair sort of way. No. You were beautiful in your own quirky, kind-hearted, sweet way. You always smiled at me from across the hallway and gave that wave that no one else could ever imitate. You were always happy and I couldn’t ever figure out why. You said hello to everyone and spoke to them as if they were important to you. You smiled, no matter what.
But you also had that other side that you hid so well. You were good at it. Hiding that side, I mean. You’d slip up sometimes. I’d notice it always. But I never confronted you about it. I always thought to myself, “She’s strong enough to deal with it”. I realised too late that you weren’t.
I know it’s too late but I need you to know that I’m sorry. And that I never wanted this to happen. I didn’t know that you were hurting so bad. I thought that this was normal. I fucked up, I know.
But now you’re gone. And nothing I say can bring you back. Maybe I was one of the reasons why. Maybe I was what started it. Or maybe I was what pushed you over the edge.
I like to give myself a false sense of comfort and think, “There were no signs”. I know that if I had looked closely, I would have seen the sadness you hid so well. I’m sorry I didn’t look. I’m sorry I didn’t realise. I’m sorry I fucked up so badly.
I know nothing I say will bring you back but I just wanted you to know how fucking sorry I am. I killed you. I killed your spirit. I killed your will. I killed your soul.
And I’m sorry.
Suicide prevention helpline number: +91 22 2556 3291
Don’t hesitate to call. Nobody deserves to die like this.