To love them, so that others can’t take them.

To love them, to know them and touch them, to be familiar with who we are and what we need.
To satisfy ourselves, to teach our lovers to satisfy us, to speak of them out loud, to speak of their hunger and pain and loneliness and humor, to make them visible so they cannot be ravaged in the dark without great consequence, so that our center, our point, our motto, our dream, is no longer detached, mutilated, numb, broken, invisible, or ashamed.
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I’m sorry.

Dear friend,

You were beautiful. Not in the old-fashioned, high cheekbones, heart-shaped face, slender figure, soft and flowing hair sort of way. No. You were beautiful in your own quirky, kind-hearted, sweet way. You always smiled at me from across the hallway and gave that wave that no one else could ever imitate. You were always happy and I couldn’t ever figure out why. You said hello to everyone and spoke to them as if they were important to you. You smiled, no matter what.

But you also had that other side that you hid so well. You were good at it. Hiding that side, I mean. You’d slip up sometimes. I’d notice it always. But I never confronted you about it. I always thought to myself, “She’s strong enough to deal with it”. I realised too late that you weren’t.

I know it’s too late but I need you to know that I’m sorry. And that I never wanted this to happen. I didn’t know that you were hurting so bad. I thought that this was normal. I fucked up, I know.

But now you’re gone. And nothing I say can bring you back. Maybe I was one of the reasons why. Maybe I was what started it. Or maybe I was what pushed you over the edge.

I like to give myself a false sense of comfort and think, “There were no signs”. I know that if I had looked closely, I would have seen the sadness you hid so well. I’m sorry I didn’t look. I’m sorry I didn’t realise. I’m sorry I fucked up so badly.

I know nothing I say will bring you back but I just wanted you to know how fucking sorry I am. I killed you. I killed your spirit. I killed your will. I killed your soul.

And I’m sorry.

Suicide prevention helpline number: +91 22 2556 3291

Don’t hesitate to call. Nobody deserves to die like this.