I’m sorry.

Dear friend,

You were beautiful. Not in the old-fashioned, high cheekbones, heart-shaped face, slender figure, soft and flowing hair sort of way. No. You were beautiful in your own quirky, kind-hearted, sweet way. You always smiled at me from across the hallway and gave that wave that no one else could ever imitate. You were always happy and I couldn’t ever figure out why. You said hello to everyone and spoke to them as if they were important to you. You smiled, no matter what. But you were also annoying, super clingy, awkward and idiotic. And you were a familiar face in a sea of people I didn’t know.

Maybe that is why I did what I did. Maybe that is why I thought it was okay to do what I did. I didn’t realise it was wrong. I didn’t realise it would hurt your feelings. I know it’s too late now. I should have said something earlier. Or did something. Maybe told an elder about it. Or spoken to you, told you I was sorry and didn’t mean to do what I did. But I didn’t. I was scared. I was so goddamned scared even though I knew I’d get what I deserved.

I know it’s​ too late but I need you​ to know that I’m sorry. And that I never wanted this to happen. I didn’t know that it would hurt you so bad. I thought that this was fun. Fucked up, I know.

But now you’re gone. And nothing I say can bring you back. I messed up with you so bad, you didn’t want to live anymore. Or maybe I was just one of the reasons why. Maybe I was what started it. Or maybe I was what pushed you over the edge.

But there were no signs. Nothing looked out of the ordinary. If I had looked closely, maybe I would have seen the sadness you hid so well. I’m sorry I didn’t look. I’m sorry I didn’t realise. I’m sorry I fucked you up so badly, you didn’t even leave a note explaining why. You didn’t want anyone to get a closure.

I know nothing I say will bring you back but I just wanted you to know how fucking sorry I am. I killed you. I killed your spirit. I killed your will. I killed your soul.

And I’m sorry.

Suicide prevention helpline number: +91 22 2556 3291

Don’t hesitate to call. Nobody deserves to die like this.

You are beautiful, dear stranger.

Dear whoever is reading this,

I don’t know who you are or what you are going through in your life but I just wanted to say that you are beautiful. We are all beautiful in our own special way, no matter what size, shape or color. And we all should truly feel comfortable in our own skin and confident with who we are. I know people tend to throw negativity in other people’s directions and that it isn’t right. Why is it so easy to be mean to each other but so hard to be nice? This post may get lost in this sea of posts but I hope that this will touch at least one person’s heart. You are beautiful, you are important and I am glad that you are alive because without you, something irreplaceable would be missing. I hope you have an amazing day, beautiful stranger.

Sincerely,

A girl who is trying to spread a little kindness in this cruel, yet beautiful world.

15 good things to do EVERYDAY. 

I was going through the old notes I had saved on my phone and here’s what I found. I was surprised. Surprised because I can’t recall when or why I saved/wrote it but it’s really good and I wanted to share it with you guys.

1. Push yourself to get up before the rest of the world – start with 9am, then 8am, then 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. Go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.

2. Push yourself to fall asleep earlier – start with 12pm, then 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. Wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.

3. Get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. Fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. Sit and eat it and do nothing else.

4. Stretch. Start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. Stretch your fingers. Stretch everything.

5. Buy a 1L water bottle. Start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.

6. Buy a beautiful diary and a black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. No detail is too small.

7. Strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. Put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. Make your bed in full.

8. Organise your room. Fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, clean the floor. Light a beautiful scented candle.

9. Have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. Wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth, lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.

10. Push yourself to go for a walk. Take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. Smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. Pet a dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. Realise you can learn from your dog.

11. Message old friends with personal jokes. Reminisce. Suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. Push yourself to follow through.

12. Think long and hard about what interests you. Crime? Sex? Boarding school? Long-forgotten romance etiquette? Time-travel? Find a book about it and read it. There is a book about literally everything.

13. Become the person you would ideally fall in love with. Let cars merge into your lane when driving. Pay for the train ticket of the person behind you. Smile at strangers. 

14. Stick your tongue out at babies. Compliment people on their cute outfits. Challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. Then two. Then a week. Walk with a straight posture. Look people in the eye. Ask people about their story. Talk to acquaintances so they become friends. 

15. Lie in the sunshine. Daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. Open your eyes. Take small steps to make it happen for you.

Dear diary.

Dear diary,

Today was different. Today felt different. Maybe it was because today was one of my dear friends birthday. Or maybe because I binge watched a really good series. I don’t know. But it felt​ good. I don’t know how to explain “it”.

So instead, I’ll explain how I feels. It’s how breathing fresh air after sitting in a smokey room for too long feels. Having such moments of clarity feels good. Especially when I’m always surrounded by noise, rush and poisoned thoughts. Thoughts that I can’t escape from. What if I’m not good enough? What if they don’t like me? What if I mess up? What if?

So, today I focused only on the positives.

  • I didn’t fall off the bed while waking up.
  • My phone didn’t fall from my hand all day.
  • I didn’t smoke today 
  • I petted a cute little dog. 
  • I didn’t cancel any plans.
  • I didn’t judge myself when I stood in front of the mirror. 
  • I made everyone in the room laugh with my awkwardness.
  • I spent time with an elderly lady.

These may seem frivolous. Or maybe downright hilarious. But when you’re always looking at things negatively, this is something you learn to appreciate.

This feeling that I’ve got? I don’t want it to go. Ever.

Boom! BLOGGER RECOGNITION AWARD!!

 

I would like to thank https://lettersthatmatters.wordpress.com (Letters That Matter) for nominating me, https://flauntingmyflawsome.wordpress.com/ (Celestine)  for the Blogger Recognition Award. It’s been an honour.

Rules

1. Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
2. Write a post to show your award.
3. Give a brief story about how your blog started.
4. Give two pieces of advice to new bloggers.
5. Select 15 other bloggers you want to give this award to.
6. Comment on each blog and let them know you have nominated them and provide a link to the post you created.

How it started?

To be really honest, it all started with an instagram post. I had once posted a picture of me at a party and someone commented about how teenagers are pathetic and don’t know sh**. In response, I posted https://flauntingmyflawsome.wordpress.com/2017/03/09/freedom/ under another picture. One of my friend read it and asked me to start blogging because it really struck a chord with her. Also, I’m a major introvert so I can’t express myself openly most of the time, so it was a win-win for me. I was a bit apprehensive at first because people on the internet can be really mean sometimes but in the end I was like ‘what can go wrong anyway?’ That’s how I make most of my decisions. And seeing the warm welcome I received here (thanks https://metroandlife.wordpress.com/ for making me feel at ease. I was extremely nervous), I’m really glad I did it.

Advice to Bloggers

  1. Be yourself. Yes, I know this is an extremely overused piece of advice but, it’s the only way people can really connect with what you’re saying. If you want your post to resonate with someone, be honest with them and be yourself.
  2. Post for yourself, not them. Let your feelings pour out when you write. Write for yourself. Keep in mind why you started writing in the first place. If you feel strongly about a certain topic, write about it. Your posts should reflect your true image, not the image you want others to see.

Nominations:

https://aestheticgraphy.wordpress.com/

https://sreeblogweb.wordpress.com/

https://avilesbunny.wordpress.com/

https://insideashellsofmemories.wordpress.com/

https://brushandneedleblog.wordpress.com/

https://tanushree0830.wordpress.com/

https://sanchali07wanderer.wordpress.com/

https://themindlessreader.wordpress.com/

https://justelm.wordpress.com/

https://rekhasahay.wordpress.com/

https://letterstolifeweb.wordpress.com/

https://metroandlife.wordpress.com/

https://chaosxdblog.wordpress.com/

https://technocrazian.wordpress.com/

https://wholenewnormal.wordpress.com/

The hardest goodbye.

“Mum! where is Dad…” little Nia asked, as she half opened her eyes; “He left for war dear, he said goodbye to you before leaving…you were sound asleep then…” her mother smiled. “…but I couldn’t say goodbye to him…” she looked as if she would break into tears;” Go out on the terrace and say goodbye looking […]

via Goodbye… — Sreeblogs

About journals and journeys​.

When I was a child, I used to try to keep a journal. I would see all these movies and TV shows (read: Lol and The vampire diaries) where the actors used to fill in their journal everyday and I think to myself ‘I want that’. I want to be able to express myself this freely.

You see, being a introvert meant keeping most of my thoughts to myself and listening to other people more than talking to them. And honestly, after a while, I started hating it. I hated the fact that people thought I didn’t have an opinion, that they didn’t care about my feelings, that they hurt me as if I didn’t matter. And I hated myself for not speaking up. I needed an outlet. And so I started writing. But no, I didn’t make a fancy journal like I wanted to. I wrote my feelings on pieces of papers and hid them. I didn’t want my family to see them. They wouldn’t understand. I didn’t want myself to reread them. It would make me feel pathetic. So I hid them all and never saw them again.

Until recently, when I was cleaning my cupboard. I reread them all. I didn’t feel​ pathetic like I thought I would. I felt proud. I felt happy. I felt strong. I felt lots of things. But not pathetic. I laughed when I read what I had written. Why? Because I grew up to be way differently then I wrote I would​, I have better friends, I don’t hate those people anymore and most importantly, I am happy. I am happy with my introverted self and my friends understand me, I have learnt to stand up for myself and for what​ I believe in and I don’t care about what other people say anymore.

Time and circumstances change you. If you hate yourself, your job, your teachers, your situations or anything else; it’s okay. It gonna pass eventually. You can’t and you won’t hate it forever. Your circumstances make you stronger and time heals you. But it’s like a journey. A journey that is full of potholes and blocked roads. But honestly, it’s a journey you have to be willing to take. You cannot just expect time to heal you. You have to facilitate it to heal you by taking the first step. YOU have to start this journey. YOU have to decide the route. YOU have to select your companions. YOU have to carry your luggage.

YOUR journey is all about YOU.

So, make sure you give it your all. You deserve it and you are worth it.