Making a comeback with life updates :)

Hey hey, I just realized that I’ve been gone for this amazing platform for more the 4 months, so I’m back from my mini hiatus, sorry.

Anyway, an update on what I’ve been doing since I had disappeared:

• Sketching – Sketching is something that I’ve always wanted to do but never had the motivation? mood? idk… I just couldn’t get myself to sit and start. I once jokingly told my brother, “If I had started drawing when I was a kid, I’d be an artist by now” and the next day he gifted me a sketchbook (bless him). I think that was the push I needed because now, I regularly sketch (finally)

My first ever sketch.

• Exercising – I’ve never been an active person. Always sitting, either to read, write, study sketch, or waste time on the internet. I hate going out and am indoors 70% of the time which explains why I was turning into a potato. So I took matters into my own hands, saved up, got my gym membership and am now trying to workout regularly. I feel too lazy at times but meh.

• Stanning BTS – One of the best things that has happened in my life. Finding BTS was a life changing moment. They are so inspiring and have influenced almost all of my ‘life updates’. They make me wanna better myself and live to my full potential. Most importantly, they’ve thought me how to love myself and how important it is.

• Creating a YT channel – This one is still in the planning process. But basically, the plan is to make a YT channel with my best friends and talk about our day, life in general, vlog, and show life through the perspective of 3 different people.

• Mentorship programme – I entered into a mentorship programme as a mentee. My mentor will give me advices, guidance, help me with what I should do, how and help me unlock my true potential. I still don’t know much about it but we have our induction on the 5th of August. Hope it goes well.

• Learning driving – This is by far, the most scariest thing I’ve tried. I mean, I’m not scared of driving. Its infact, very enjoyable. What I’m scared of is the roads in Mumbai and the crazy people who drive around me. If you don’t already know this, Mumbai traffic is worse than NY traffic and almost no one here follows traffic rules. It’s a nightmare.

• Skin care routine – Recently, I’ve been getting a lot of acne breakouts on my face and it scared me into action. I now follow a proper skin care routine, and include detoxification once in two weeks.

• Strengthening bonds – I used to reply late to messages, leave people on read, back out of hangout plans and ignore calls. Basically, I was the worst friend/person to contact/ ever! I knew it’s a bad thing but I was so caught up with something or the other, god. Been working on that, and trying to reconnect with people whom I lost contact with.

• PEN PAL! – I made a pen pal. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do and now finally, I did it. My first ever pen pal. I’m so excited, I can’t. I’m going to shop for art supplies and stationary tomorrow. I also have to click pictures of famous places around Mumbai. I’m planning on adding that with the letters and some goodies because she loves traveling and photography. I can’t wait to get my happy mail (we’re doing it through snail mail).

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To love them, so that others can’t take them.

To love them, to know them and touch them, to be familiar with who we are and what we need.
To satisfy ourselves, to teach our lovers to satisfy us, to speak of them out loud, to speak of their hunger and pain and loneliness and humor, to make them visible so they cannot be ravaged in the dark without great consequence, so that our center, our point, our motto, our dream, is no longer detached, mutilated, numb, broken, invisible, or ashamed.

Mental Illness.

[A really lengthy post]

People assume you aren’t sick
unless they see the sickness on your skin,
like scars forming a map of all the ways you’re hurting.
My heart is a prison of “Have you tried?”s.
Have you tried exercising? Have you tried eating better?
Have you tried not being sad, not being sick?
Have you tried being more like me?
Have you tried shutting up?

Yes, I have tried.

Yes, I am still trying.

And yes, I am still sick.

Sometimes monsters are invisible, and
sometimes demons attack you from the inside.
Just because you cannot see the claws and the teeth does not mean they aren’t ripping through me.
Pain does not need to be seen to be felt.

Telling me there is no problem
won’t solve the problem.

This is not how miracles are born.

This is not how sickness works.

I understand how it feels to look calm in the outside but you’re deeply broken in the inside.

I understand how it feels when you’re being frank to people; telling about you’re facing a mental illness – where you have to fought valiantly everyday with the deep darkest thoughts in your brain and how did people react? They laugh and tell me to “fuck off because you don’t look sick” or “you don’t look mentally disabled”.

I understand how it feels to fight with our societies stigma that mental illness is a taboo – as we are unacceptable in society.

I understand how it feels when you have to battle with sudden suicide and self harm plan in your head.

I understand all those shit

I have to battle with my depression and anxiety; everyfuckingtime.

It is a hard cycle to conquer. The body is working against you. And because of this, you feel even more despair. Which only amplifies the imbalance. It takes uncommon strength to live with these things. But I have seen that strength over and over again.

And yet, trust me, there are some people who don’t believe this.

To my fellow friend who is in the same journey as me – to battle with our mental illness – you’re not alone ; keep fighting and let not your mental illness define you ❤

3 AM poems

I’m writing a poem,

I don’t know why.

I should stop this,

Or you’ll think I’m high.

Let it heal.

My counselor told me something really meaningful and profound recently.

She said, “It’s important to remember that when you’re depressed, you have to nurse yourself and be extra gentle towards yourself. An athlete wouldn’t break an ankle and then force themselves to run with that ankle. They rest as it heals and do not think “I am a failed athlete”. Instead, they think, “Right now something isn’t working right, so I’ll take care of myself until it does.”

Just like a broken bone, depression can change the way your daily life plays out, and pushing yourself too hard and getting frustated when you don’t feel better is just like trying to run on that broken ankle and getting frustated when it doesn’t heal.

Give it time.

Let it heal.